Peak wedding season is now upon us, and we all must prepare to face our culture’s image of the marriage ideal. In fact, the phrase “the perfect” often precedes every noun associated with weddings, from the “perfect proposal” to the “perfect dress” to the “perfect honeymoon.” All that matters is getting that one day and its associated activities “right.” In order to do this, couples are presented with an endless array of expensive options, most of which have little to do with the successful maintenance of the marital bond.
Few couples escape this mindset. We are all products of our cultural ethos in one sense or another, and many of us grapple with this reality. As someone who works with both college students and couples preparing for marriage, I am often struck that what is needed is the cultivation of a desire for something better during youth and young adulthood. Just as our taste buds become more sophisticated through exposure to quality foods, young people must become acquainted with true goodness long before marriage, so that its cultural counterfeits are found lacking in flavor. Young people do not simply need another program. They need a compelling encounter with virtue in their daily lives.
An encouraging development within the Church has been the introduction of the Marriage Catechumenate based on the document “Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life.” In addition to calling for the conversion of the traditional pre-Cana process to a mentor couple model, the document also highlights the need for greater “remote preparation” for marriage. Quoting Pope St. John Paul II’s “Familiaris Consortio,” the Dicastery of Laity, Family and Life describes the importance of instilling virtue, self-mastery, respect for members of the opposite sex and the dignity of all human persons from early childhood.
In other words, the whole of one’s life prior to engagement is the most crucial time for character formation, and this is the time when habit formation leads to either virtue or vice. The Church recognizes that holy marriages are not created in a vacuum, and if we truly want to do something to improve marital quality and health, we must give individuals a solid foundation starting from their earliest years. How to do this, however, remains the question.
Common cultural assumptions
Part of the difficulty in answering this stems from the fact that we have to start by unpacking many common cultural assumptions. The first, and perhaps most important assumption, is that youth and young adulthood are simply times for exploration and experimentation without any organic connection to “real” adult life. This mindset leads to a delay of adult responsibilities until a mysterious future time when an individual will somehow flip the proverbial switch and leave his or her former self behind.
Quite often, in an attempt to protect young people from hastily making the life-altering decision of marriage, we fail to recognize that they are making many decisions that will affect their future marriages for years to come. Choices made in the young adult years regarding faith, friendships, community and sexuality all greatly influence someone’s decision of when and whom to marry. In fact, modern research continues to highlight the connection between a person’s former choices and his or her marital health. To give one example, having multiple sexual partners prior to marriage has been found to be associated with lower marital stability, sexual satisfaction and emotional connection, but when was the last time you heard this? When was the last time we heard the Church’s beautiful teachings articulated in a nonsentimental, substantive, evidence-based way?
I am particularly reminded of this when my husband and I meet with couples in our parish to discuss the results of their premarital inventories. A section on the inventory for cohabiting couples includes a question about their understanding of Church teaching on the matter. Most often, the couple’s answer is “unsure.” In answering this way, they are being completely honest. They can think of no reason the Church would condemn a practice they have been told is beneficial. In fact, they often say that they were told this by friends and family. Amazingly, we have never had a cohabiting couple report encountering any opposition.
Helping young people
Of course, it is entirely possible that someone within their sphere of influence did have a difference of opinion, but did not share it. Many of us (myself included!) bear some responsibility for the often fear-induced silence we adopt when confronted with conversations of consequence. Decisions such as cohabitation are the culmination of a series of choices and beliefs developed over time, so we must have a voice in the discussion before young adults reach this point.
We can help young people to develop a thirst for goodness by providing them with opportunities for authentic friendships, relationships and community-building in their earlier years. We can, perhaps most of all, witness to the truth that virtuous living is possible and there are individuals who take this seriously enough to strive for it.
My husband and I are often struck by how genuinely receptive to this witness most of our parish couples are. While some of us may be in a position to intentionally mentor young people this way, others may simply be called to listen and share wisdom one small conversation at a time. This is why intergenerational relationships are so crucial. These are the encounters that matter. These are the building blocks for changing a culture.
Secular wedding culture will likely continue, but its large base of adherents is anything but a given. The young people in our lives deserve far better than they have received. We owe them a refinement of palate.
