Recently I caught up with a friend, a new mom. We hadn’t seen each other for almost a year, as we kept delaying our plans for reasons beyond our control. It started when a mutual friend of ours appeared on my doorstep one afternoon. Time slipped into the evening, and dinner preparations began, during which we invited our new-mom friend to join us. To our delight she did, with baby in tow! We hungrily devoured, not our modest spread, but the stories we shared of the year’s experiences. “I feel a little lighter,” she texted the following day.
As a body-soul composite, we need community. After all, God is a community of persons, and he designed us in his image and likeness. For this reason, the ancient world exalted hospitality, viewing it as the highest virtue. St. Benedict made it the cornerstone of his Rule, teaching monks to treat all as Christ in disguise. Hospitality fosters relationships, allowing us to enter another’s life.
In 2015, the New York Times published an article portraying the modern family as stressed, tired and rushed, while a 2018 Pew Research survey found that 60% of adults sometimes felt too busy to enjoy life, with 70% of families responding similarly. Were they to conduct the survey again, it’s hard to imagine a decline in these numbers! The time constraints that come with navigating the demands of family and work life can prevent us from enjoying life and practicing hospitality.
We easily discover this when scheduling coffee or dinner is no longer a simple task. Instead, we find ourselves examining and rearranging our calendar like we’re playing an intricately designed Tetris game. And those of us who are chronically busy tend to view social engagements as another scheduled commitment, rather than a time of enrichment and relaxation.
Yet, as my friend’s text reveals, we suffer when this happens. True hospitality renews us, allowing us to feast upon each other’s company and drink deeply from the conversations we share. This nourishes our hungry souls far more than finishing our to-do lists or maintaining our schedules would do. Here are some ways we can open our hearts and share our lives with others, even in our busiest seasons.
1. Be approachable
To practice hospitality, we must first become hospitable people, marked by love of neighbor. The saints exude this spirit. Take, for instance, St. André Bessette, Montreal’s holy doorkeeper. Though encountering each visitor momentarily, he noticed people’s worried expressions and consoled them. His warmth, empathy and compassion created an atmosphere in which people began sharing their joys and sufferings with him. Word spread, miracles occurred and soon hundreds flocked to the simple porter.
We too gravitate towards hospitable people. We seek them when pursuing friendships, desiring a listening ear or needing help. Imitate St. André by extending hospitality in inconspicuous ways: Say hello to a neighbor after a grocery run, check on a lonely friend or drop off coffee to a new mom.
2. Integrate others into your commitments
Developing an approachable spirit helps us be creative in our approach to hospitality. One of my friends excels in this. During her busy seasons, she retains relationships by intentionally incorporating her friends into her pre-existing commitments. She invites friends to grab a quick lunch between errands, attend a family member’s recital with her, or join her for a movie night or Holy Hour.
Take another look at your fully booked calendar and try to view it in a new light. If you walk daily, offer to walk and talk with a neighbor. Taking the kids to the park? Ask another family to join. Volunteering? Bring a friend.
3. Plan in advance
In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen Covey advises: Schedule your priorities, don’t prioritize your schedule. What we prioritize is telling, and if we continually allow our hectic lives to dictate to us at the expense of cultivating community, our souls will suffer. Consciously choose the nonnegotiables of your calendar — including designated hospitality days — and then be flexible with the remaining commitments. Plan in advance, even if it’s a month or two prior. Or intentionally reserve a specific day each week, or certain days each month, to be dedicated to building relationships.
4. Lean into spontaneity
In the same vein, if you suddenly acquire a free afternoon or evening, or if someone unexpectedly comes into town, be bold! Extend your hospitality, even when it’s short notice. This does require some vulnerability and flexibility on your part, especially if it involves welcoming someone into your home. To help with this, I find nightly tidying the main rooms of the first floor (entryway, kitchen and living room), and keeping on hand coffee, tea, a bottle of wine and some snacks (a box of scone or brownie mix works perfectly) allows me to confidently open my home to the impromptu visitor.
5. Focus on relationships
St. Martha is perhaps the most obvious example of hospitality in the New Testament. She toils away serving the Lord, while her sister Mary rests at Christ’s feet. Yet we forget that Mary too displays hospitality! She accompanies Christ, listens to him and grows in friendship with him. In fact, Christ prefers this approach over Martha’s, calling it “the better part.”
When we focus on relationships, rather than externals, our bodies, minds and souls are renewed, and we find ourselves feasting on conversations rather than what we physically eat. So keep it simple. Be present to the people in front of you, wherever you are. And if you opt to host, plan something that requires minimal preparation. Serve coffee and a snack, suggest a potluck or enlist the help of family so you can be attentive to your guests.
As you practice hospitality and your soul rejuvenates, let the experience remind you of the eternal banquet, prepared for us from the world’s foundation.
