I talk to many parents who believe they have to leave home to grow spiritually or serve the Church.
“I feel guilty that I can’t pray like I did before I had kids.”
“I’d love to do more at the parish, but I can’t figure out how to fit it in. I feel like I’m letting God down a lot of the time.”
“With everything I have to do between work and making time for my kids, I can’t volunteer how I’d like. My pastor always reminds us about ‘being men and women for others,’ and I want to do that. I just don’t know how. Sometimes, I feel like a bad Christian. Just living for myself, but I don’t know how to fit it all in.”
Of course, it’s a good thing to want to be involved in our parish’s spiritual life and to do charitable service outside the home, but it’s incorrect to think that only the things you do outside the home count (spiritually speaking). Service in your domestic church is service to the Church. The Church teaches that families are the building blocks of both society and the Church. Taking the time and energy you need to create a strong, joyful, faith-filled family bond is the most direct and important way to contribute toward creating a healthy society and a dynamic Church. And both research and Catholic theology remind us that living the Faith in our homes is the most important way we can raise the next generation of faithful kids and grow in holiness.
A 2023 study sponsored by the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life (an apostolate of Holy Cross Family Ministries — HCFM) and conducted by the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) at Georgetown University found that families who successfully raised all of their children to be faithful adults (as opposed to the national average of only 15% of children who grow up to be faithful adults) viewed prayer and service within the home as the primary and most important way to live their faith. The study showed that these remarkable families consider all other external faith practices (such as weekly Mass attendance, Catholic education, youth ministry, and involvement in the life of the parish) as necessary — even critical (as with regular Mass attendance) — but secondary to and supportive of the way they live their faith and serve each other at home.
In 2019, my wife, Lisa, and I organized the Notre Dame Symposium on Catholic Family Life and Spirituality. Sponsored by the OSV Institute, HCFM and the McGrath Institute for Church Life at Notre Dame, the symposium was a gathering of over 50 theologians, social scientists, pastoral ministry professionals, and Church leaders committed to renewing Catholic family life.
The fruit of the research and discussions held at the symposium was the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, an ancient but newly articulated approach to both family spirituality and family ministry.
We usually think of “liturgy” as the thing we do at Church, and rightly so. The Liturgy of the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith. It is “the” liturgy. But when people encountered Christ in Scripture, everything about how they lived and loved changed. Likewise, when we encounter Christ in the Eucharist, everything about how we live together and love each other should also change, especially in our family lives. The Liturgy of Domestic Church Life encompasses the simple family practices that facilitate that graceful transformation. At a workshop in 2020 where Lisa and I first presented the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life to a gathering of bishops, Bishop Mikael Mouradian said, “The Liturgy of Domestic Church Life is the mystical vehicle that communicates Eucharistic grace to the whole world through the living Body of Christ,” which is a fancy way of saying that how families live their faith in the home and serve each other at home is a powerful tool for growing holiness and calling the world to Christ.
The word “liturgy” refers to a type of worship that was (1) instituted by God (not invented by people) and (2) created to heal the damage that sin does to our relationships with God and others. Nobody said, “Let’s come up with a way to turn bread and wine into the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ.” Rather, Jesus instituted the Eucharist at the Last Supper to heal the damage that sin did to our ability to enjoy eternal life and make communion possible with each other.
Similarly, nobody invented the family. God created the family at the beginning of time. God built certain practices into his design of the family that enables families to be happy and healthy and, united with his grace, holy as well. Social science research illuminates those practices. As Tolstoy famously wrote, “All happy families are alike.” Despite differences rooted in time, culture, ethnicity and tradition, there are certain things that all happy, healthy families do and have always done. These practices may look different based on the time and culture a family finds itself in, but categorically, they are the same.
The Liturgy of Domestic Church Life shows families how to live these divinely-instituted practices in a way that enables them to draw closer to God and each other at home. Rooted in the three-fold mission of baptism (priest, prophet, royal), the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life helps families discover those practices — many of which they are probably already doing in some way — and engage those practices with greater attention and to a fuller effect, both spiritually and relationally.
The Liturgy of Domestic Church Life
The Liturgy of Domestic Church Life divides 12 simple family practices into three rites (The Rite of Christian Relationship, The Rite of Family Rituals, and the Rite of Reaching Out) rooted in the three-fold mission of baptism.
The Rite of Christian Relationship
The four practices in this rite teach families how to practice Christ’s sacrificial love in the home, equipping them to live their priestly mission of baptism, consecrating to Christ all the little things they do all day, and making holy the everyday things they do.
Prioritizing family time — When we make time for family time first, scheduling other activities around it (instead of trying to fit family time around all the other activities), we do what Jesus instructed us to do. We “choose the better part” (cf. Lk 10:38-42) by prioritizing relationship and connection over busyness. Prioritizing this time creates the space Christian parents need to disciple their children in leading godly lives.
Generous affection and affirmation –The Word of God became flesh so we could experience God’s love through our senses. Even after Christ ascended to the Father, he gave us the sacraments so we could continue to experience his love through our senses. The Father’s arms are wide open to his children, pouring out his superabundant love on all of us through the sacraments. Parents are called to image the Father’s love for their children (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, No. 239), which involves being similarly demonstrative and generous with our expressions of love and affirmation.
Prompt, generous, consistent and cheerful attention to each other’s needs — God hurries to respond to our prayers before the words are even on our lips (cf. Ps 139:4). Similarly, families need to attend to each other’s needs, respond positively to requests for service, be open to growing and changing for the sake of loving each other better.
Discipleship Discipline — Christ, the Good Shepherd, gently and loving guides his flock. Parents image the Good Shepherd through what we call Discipleship Discipline, a method of childrearing rooted in St. John Bosco’s Preventive System, which rejects heavy-handed punishments and shaming children for making mistakes in favor of proactively teaching virtue and building character through “reason, religion and loving-kindness.” My wife and I discuss this approach in our books, “Parenting Your Kids with Grace” (OSV, $16.95) and “Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace” (OSV, $16.95).
The Rite of Family Rituals
This rite equips families to live the prophetic mission of baptism. A prophet calls others to lead godly lives. Research shows that rituals are the best way a group can pass along its values and beliefs. When families have strong rituals for working, playing, talking and praying together every day, they model Christian attitudes toward everything human beings do.
Work rituals — When families do simple tasks together, like washing the dishes, cleaning up, or doing other chores, they model Christian attitudes toward work. They use the “stuff” of family life to build an intimate communion of persons (cf. Familiaris Consortio, No. 17).
Play rituals — When families make time to play games and have fun together, they model healthy and godly ways to celebrate the gift of life.
Talk rituals — Family mealtimes, family meetings, parent-child dates, reading stories and similar activities help families build communion through communication.
Prayer rituals — When families have not only specific prayer times (morning, bedtime, mealtimes, etc.) but also find little ways to pray throughout the day (giving each other blessings, praising God throughout the day, asking God for help, etc.) they treat Christ as the most important member of their family; the one who knows them best and loves them most.
Rite of Reaching Out
The four practices in this rite help families live the royal mission of baptism. We reign with Christ by serving with Christ.
Serving each other at home — An authentic spirit of service doesn’t turn service into a project we do for others when we feel like it. It begins at home — where we often don’t feel like serving. We suggest that families briefly have a daily discussion about the question, “What can each of us do to help each other have an easier or more pleasant day?”
Being mindful of others while being a family at home — We can build the kingdom without leaving home. Are we taking care of our things so we can pass them on to other brothers and sisters in the Lord when we’re done enjoying them? Are we practicing hospitality by making our home a place for godly fun and fellowship? Are we looking for little ways to be a blessing to our neighbors? Do we discuss budgeting and saving (as a family) for charitable giving?
Being a godly family in the world — When we go out as a family to do chores or have fun, do we practice the ministry of kindness by discussing and looking for little ways to leave all the people we encounter better than we found them through good manners, kind gestures and little acts of service?
Domestic churches serving together — Service in the Church is often one more thing that divides families. Men serve with the men’s group. Women serve with the women’s group. Youth serve with the youth group. But when Christian families serve together (either in various ministries at Mass or in charitable works), people benefit from their acts of service and the witness of love conveyed by a family coming together to be a blessing to others.
Living your faith at home and taking the time needed to build a strong, loving, joyful, faithful family life doesn’t make you a second-class Catholic. It means you care about doing the work that’s necessary to build the kingdom of God starting in your home. The Liturgy of Domestic Church Life gives families a way to encounter Christ more meaningfully at home and experience their faith as the source of the warmth in their home. It turns daily family activities into a little way of holiness and transforms common, struggling families into dynamic domestic churches, outposts of grace and healing in a hurting world.
