Paul and Tracy Satterfield still remember when they turned to a peer marriage ministry for help with their struggling marriage more than a decade ago. Today, they help lead that global ministry, called Retrouvaille.
Ahead of Valentine’s Day, the Catholic husband-and-wife team shared their story and Retrouvaille’s tips for couples to live out a loving marriage with Our Sunday Visitor. The Satterfields serve as international deputy coordinators for Retrouvaille, which is dedicated to serving couples struggling in their marriages.
To make a spouse feel appreciated and loved, the Satterfields, who have been married for 35 years, pointed to a Retrouvaille list of 19 “seemingly ‘little things’ that can make a big difference.”
- Make a point of greeting your spouse when you come home from work with a kiss, a hug or simply “Hello.”
- Phone when you’re going to be later than expected.
- Use your spouse’s name when speaking to him/her or about him/her.
- Try to be home for dinner or call to explain.
- Give up a single’s activity that separates you from your spouse and causes discord.
- Make a point of saying “Good night” to your spouse before retiring.
- Leave a note for your spouse in the morning if you’re leaving before he/she awakens. Keep it simple, for example, “Good morning,” “You’re special,” “Have a nice day,” or “I enjoyed last night.”
- Don’t swear at your spouse.
- Stop all name-calling.
- If you are quick to lose your temper, count to 10 before you say anything when you feel angry.
- Do an extra chore around the house.
- Pick up after yourself if you have a habit of leaving things lying around.
- Turn off the TV earlier than usual.
- Sit and watch TV together for one program if one is a TV watcher and one isn’t.
- Find an activity you can do together.
- Write a special quality your spouse has in every dialogue letter. (A dialogue letter is a structured way for spouses to communicate their emotions to each other through writing, the Satterfields said. For example, writing about how they feel about decisions with their kids.)
- Don’t criticize your spouse.
- Call during the day just to say hello.
- Start attending church together.
A story of hope
The Satterfields, who live in Overland Park, Kansas, revealed to Our Sunday Visitor how Retrouvaille made a difference in their own marriage.
Retrouvaille, a Christian program that is Catholic in origin, began more than 40 years ago. Today, it is available in 26 countries, including the United States.
The Satterfields turned to Retrouvaille in 2012 after living what they called a “married singles lifestyle,” or living separate lives while married. At the time, their two children were in junior high and high school.
“We both worked,” Tracy remembered. “Paul traveled. We stopped communicating. We only communicated via email.”
Then, she said, they started making things up about one another.
“‘He doesn’t care about this,’ ‘she doesn’t care about that.’ We’re just assuming the other one knows what [the other is] thinking,” she said. “Our household became like walking on eggshells.”
They headed toward divorce and separated for six months. But during that time, something changed.
“We saw that it wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be,” Paul said. “We saw the pain in our children. … We saw the bitterness and anger in ourselves and with each other that we didn’t see [before].”
“We didn’t realize how impactful our separation would be on both his family and my family, our extended families,” Tracy added. “Everybody was in trauma.”
They decided to seek counseling. As they learned more about themselves and the pain they were inflicting on each other, Paul’s sister suggested that they try Retrouvaille. They agreed to attend a Retrouvaille weekend experience, the first step of the ministry’s program.
Coming out of that weekend, Tracy summed up their experience as “hopeful.” They felt hopeful that they could make their marriage work again.
Qualities of a healthy marriage
The Satterfields said that couples with Retrouvaille learn, among other things, that studies show healthy married couples:
- have a shared spirituality, which gives meaning to life.
- have a support system of other couples who strongly believe in marriage.
- frequently affirm each other.
- spend quality and quantity time together.
- communicate and listen easily and well.
- approach conflict constructively as a learning experience.
- have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
- are flexible and open to change.
- have a sense of commitment and faithfulness to one another.
- have a unity based on shared values and goals.
- have a sense of play and humor.
- have a deep sense of trust.
- continue to experience forgiveness.
- value service to others.
Couples can work on these together, they said. They expressed encouragement for husbands and wives struggling today.
“Never give up. There’s always hope,” Tracy emphasized. Paul, in agreement, echoed, “no marriage is beyond hope.”
